This document is an "Unauthorized Owner's Manual" for a MINI car, offering a humorous and unconventional guide to its use and enjoyment, rather than a standard technical manual. It provides insights into the MINI's personality, unique features, and how to maximize the "motoring mojo."
Function Description
The MINI, as described in this manual, is more than just a car; it's a vehicle for an active, engaged lifestyle, fostering a sense of community among its owners. The manual's primary function is to help owners discover the hidden potential and "personality" of their MINI, encouraging them to interact with it in playful and imaginative ways. It aims to provide "invaluable information that would, under normal driving conditions, take most car owners months to discover for themselves," gleaned from "many hours of vehicle operation."
Important Technical Specifications (Humorous/Conceptual)
While not providing traditional technical specs, the manual offers conceptual "specifications" that highlight the MINI's unique attributes:
- Engine: "1.6 liter 16V 115 Hp Cooper engine turns your MINI's accelerator into a wah-wah pedal at red lights. (163 Hp supercharged wah-wah pedal on S models.)" This playfully redefines the accelerator as a musical instrument.
- Performance: "0-60 in 8.5 seconds flat." This is presented in the context of eloping in your MINI, emphasizing speed for romantic getaways.
- Storage Capacity: The "passenger's side floor accommodates four large pies stacked," humorously illustrating the car's compact yet surprisingly versatile interior.
- Braking System: The manual humorously lists "EKG" as a non-component safety feature, implying the MINI's braking system is so good it might give you a heart-stopping thrill, but not literally an electrocardiogram.
- Horn Rating: A table rates the "MINI Horn" against other sounds like "Tuba," "Mack Truck," "Bull Elephant," "French TGV Horn," and "Nantucket Ferry," implying its unique auditory presence.
Usage Features
The manual details numerous "usage features" that encourage owners to interact with their MINI in unconventional ways:
Best Places to Stash Stuff in Your MINI:
- Glove Box: Can be used as a "mini refrigerator" for "emergency roadside candy bars and spare hero sandwiches" by turning up the air conditioning, or a heater for "warming contents from soup to nuts."
- Door Cubby: Accommodates a cell phone, PDA, Travel Etch-a-Sketch, sunglasses, or a collapsible umbrella.
- Ticket Cranny: Dashboard console slits for stashing "toll receipts and parking stubs."
- Jogging Key Nook: A "hideaway for stashing cumbersome keys" under the car, just forward of the rear wheels, for when you're out jogging or biking.
- Golf Club Placement: With both rear seats folded down, the MINI can accommodate four golf bags, though not a foursome. With one rear seat down, it can fit "one to two bags lying angled diagonally, and one to two golf buddies seated vertically."
- Bike Transport: Instructions are provided for fitting a bike by adjusting the passenger seat, removing the front wheel, and laying the bike on its side.
Customizing Your MINI:
- Dashboard Figurines: Instructions for making "G-Force Chia Pet" and "Dashboard Figurines" (Icons of Good Motoring Mojo) from paper cutouts and magazine heads, to display on the dashboard.
- Cockpit Toggle Switch Conversation Starters: Encourages personalized customization of dashboard labels.
- Bumper Stickers: Recommends "Motorer-related stickers" that function as "post cards to strangers from a life well-lived" (e.g., "This car climbed Mt. Washington"). Also suggests "Law School Alumni window decals" to deter unwanted interactions. It explicitly warns against "bumper sticker faux pas" like "LEGALIZE," "HOW'S MY DRIVING? CALL 1-800-EAT-DUST," and "BAD COP NO DONUT."
Making Room for Romance in Your MINI:
- Public Displays of Affection (P.D.A.): "Highly encouraged," such as taking the MINI for a wash and buff.
- The Backseat: Described as "spacious" for accommodating romantic items like "long-stem roses" or a "36" large-screen TV" with seats folded down.
- Making Out: Encouraged in both front and back seats, with a reference to the owner's manual for defogger operations.
- Unisex Chivalry: Encourages opening doors for others.
- Shameless Flirting at Red Lights: Suggests lip-synching "olive juice" instead of "I love you" through the window to avoid "verbally-binding legal entanglements."
- Dating Tips for Married People: Encourages using the MINI for spontaneous dates, leaving children and baggage behind, and driving to scenic overlooks.
- MINI Prenuptial Agreement: Suggests using birdseed instead of rice at weddings to avoid "aerial bombardment" of the MINI's finish.
- Unconventional Use of Headlamps: Headlights can be used to attract attention, illuminate tailgate parties, locate a neighbor's treed kitty, or "rake the sky" for "party (search or otherwise)."
Making Beautiful Music with Your MINI:
- Strumming on the Steering Wheel: For establishing rhythm (not while turning).
- Tapping on the Roof: For percussion (with care to avoid scratches).
- Playing the Tubular Door Bezel: For bass, described as the "conga."
- Activating the Turn Signals: For "distinctive percussive cadence."
- Switching on the Windshield Wipers: For a "rhythmic whoosh, whoosh, whoosh."
- Accelerator/Wah-Wah Pedal: The engine's sound is likened to a wah-wah pedal.
- MINI Performance Art: Encourages "sudden improvisational dances" like the "Red Light Fire Drill."
Maintenance Features
The manual touches on maintenance with a humorous twist:
- Detailing: "How to remove greasy prints, onlooker drool spatters and road grime to restore your MINI's lustrous factory finish." It advises maintaining "proper perspective," viewing bug guts and mud as "signs of a healthy, well-motored life," but also suggests using a "soft sponge and mild biodegradable soap" for occasional cleaning.
- Air Fresheners: Recommends natural scents like "fresh rosemary from your garden" or "rind of a ripe tangerine" over artificial ones. It also suggests "freshly baked chocolate chip cookies" for first dates, or "cute fine cigars" for female owners.
Troubleshooting
The troubleshooting section offers solutions to social dilemmas rather than mechanical ones:
- Rotating Your Shorts in Public: Provides instructions for discreetly changing clothes in your MINI using a beach towel to maintain privacy.
- Four Things You Should Never Do to Your MINI:
- Never leave it unattended and unlocked with the engine running and a sign saying "Back in ten-feel free to move car if in way."
- Absolutely no Viking helmets inside, as "pointy Viking horns may cause damage to plush vehicle interior."
- Never drive through flowing water, as "That's called motor BOATING."
- Never call your MINI by another car's name.
The manual also includes a "MINI Diagnostic Checklist" to determine who is qualified to borrow your MINI, featuring humorous questions about driving a manual shifter, Monte Carlo Rally wins, famous celebrity owners, and the "word best describes Rita the Meter Maid."
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